How to Prepare Yourself to Talk to Kids About Their Gender Identity

As parents you spend a lot of time figuring out how to protect your child from negative experiences. So what happens when we know that their gender identity is going to impact how they are seen and engaged with in society? How do you talk to them about your concerns while still accepting them as they are? The younger generations are much more accepting than past generations so as parents you are often expected to look at experiences through a lens that you are not accustomed to. It is important to remember during these conversations that your children will benefit the most from your acceptance of them. Do your best to keep yourself focused on how to understand them without trying to change them.

Before having a conversation with your child about their identity there are a few things you should explore with yourself:

1.Can you remember a time during your childhood where you were not fully accepted?

We all have a story of a time where we didn’t feel that we could fully be ourselves and we often remember that being detrimental to our relationship with that person. Think back to a time in your past where you felt you had to hide parts of who you are or an interest of yours. What do you think you wanted or needed the most during that situation? How can you provide that for your child now?

2. Is your end goal to change your child or to understand them?

We often go into these conversations without fully exploring the intent of the conversation. As humans when we do not slow down and take the time to reflect on our intention we often find ourselves acting through emotion. In conversations regarding your child’s identity you may find yourself acting on fear and concern. To a child this can often look like a lack of acceptance and understanding both of which are highly isolating for a child. 

Is your goal to change your child? Why? Consider your reasons for this goal. Would it benefit your child to hide part of who they are? Are you trying to protect them from being perceived in a negative way and potentially treated differently than their peers? Often parents who are trying to reason with their children about their identity are unconsciously encouraging their children to hide parts of who they are in front of family members. This attempt at masking the part of the child will often create tension in that relationship as the child cannot change this part of themselves. 

Is your goal to understand them? Pay attention to the way that you ask your questions and the words you use to offer support. Ask your child what is most beneficial to hear or how they would like you to engage with the topic. It can be a big step for a child to feel comfortable sharing this part of them with you, allow them to take it at their own pace. Pushing for too much information too quickly often comes from a place of anxiety and the child can feel this. Don’t worry they’re probably anxious too and might benefit most from having you there to navigate this with them. 

Whichever stance you are coming from, it's important to remember that the way that you respond to them sharing this with you will have a lasting impact on your relationship. 

3. What is your ideal relationship with your child?

Oftentimes we lose sight of our goals because we are not reminding ourselves of them. Take time to reflect on what your hopes are for the two of you. When a child has shared a deeply vulnerable part of themselves with you it can be easy to be swept up in the emotion of it. Its okay to take time to process what you’re feeling before coming back to the conversation. Take time to reflect on how the new information changes your goals for them or do you wish to maintain the same goals? Asking a child to suppress part of who they are will not change that part of them, it will only remain hidden in front of you. Hiding a part of who we are is challenging especially when it is with the people who are supposed to love and protect us. Think of the impact this will have on your relationship. 

It is not the child’s job to teach you how to manage your emotions during this conversation. You are the adult, you are in charge of yourself. You are in control of the outcome of this situation and the ways that you respond will stick with your kid, be intentional in your response. 

When navigating the conversation keep in mind the impact of your words and actions. Things to keep in mind may look like:

1.The way that you engage with your child during this time will stick with them.

If you want your child to continue coming to you during difficult times you need to make sure you are supporting them through the times they share with you.

2. Your child wants your acceptance and needs your support now more than you know.

They will likely face adversity for whatever identity they have just shared with you and they likely already have. Having your support and understanding will be a protective factor while navigating the rest of their lives. 

3.They don’t need you to tell them to change or hide parts of who they are, they probably hear this message enough from others. They need you to see them, hear them and understand them. 

Parents have often expressed concern that their child is making a choice that they can’t undo or that they will regret later. This idea is based in fear. If your child later decides that they no longer align with a certain identity they can do exactly as they are now, communicate this to those around them. Nobody is the same person throughout their life, we all change and evolve and this part of people can too. 

It takes a lot of courage to share this part of yourself with the people that you love. Celebrate that they felt comfortable enough to share this with you and support them through whatever changes may come. 

If you are concerned about permanent changes discuss holding off on those changes until later but nonpermanent changes can look like:

Names

Clothing

Hairstyles 

Friends 

Hobbies

Preferences in partners

4. It’s okay to be sad, scared or nervous for the future. They probably are too. 

Just because you are sad, scared or nervous does not mean that you cannot support them. They are likely feeling those same things and it might be helpful to share that experience with somebody. Give them a place to share and hear about what you are both worried about. Remove the expectation to find a solution to your emotions and allow yourselves to acknowledge the complexity of what may come. 

5. It’s probably okay if you mess up and call them the wrong name or gender sometimes. Correct yourself and apologize. 

Nobody is expected to be perfect. Make an honest effort to make the switch to whatever is being asked of you. Our brains love patterns and therefore you are likely going to slip up a time or two. The more you correct yourself and create the new pattern for yourself the faster you will get through that phase. 

6. There is no path for navigating this conversation or life after it but therapy may help you to find ways to talk about it in a safe and supportive way. 

We often look for the “right” way to navigate everything in our lives. As humans we have a hard time with uncertainty. If you are reading this you can reassure yourself that you are doing your best to understand and support. Stop expecting perfection. If you would like further support, reach out to a therapist who can help you to navigate these conversations together. 

This is in no way a complete guide to these conversations and this conversation will likely look different for everybody but in my experience these topics have been some common themes among families.