Why There Might be Tension in Your Relationship

All relationships naturally ebb and flow but when we stay in a state of negativity for too long we can start to feel increased stress and distance in your relationship. We often begin to wonder if relationship anxiety is normal and how long it can last. The good news is that tension in relationships often follows themes and along with these themes we can often make small changes to our interactions that will result in big outcomes. 

Below are a few examples of things that cause tension in relationships and strategies for managing those situations. 

1.Your negative interactions are outweighing your positive interactions

While negativity among partners is not in itself a bad thing, in fact it is to be expected with a long term partner. Negativity is emotionally very powerful; it becomes concerning when negative situations begin to outweigh the positive interactions. 

Negativity between partners can look like criticism, contempt or even ignoring your partner. Interactions that leave one or both partners feeling upset without repair can begin the partnership down a path that is difficult to come back from. Relationship tension will be experienced in healthy relationships too but is often short lived and followed by repair attempts and honest conversations. As a relationship begins to shift to a negative mindset the partners will often find themselves shifting towards more negative interactions than before. 

Ways to increase the positive interactions between partners may look like:

Showing interest in each other. When your partner is sharing something with you, be curious, ask questions about it and listen closely to what they are saying. 

Show your partner that they matter by engaging with topics and activities that they enjoy and expressing your love and appreciation for them. The way you think about your partner impacts the way that you engage with them. When you are intentional about expressing more appreciation you can strengthen your positive beliefs about them. 

When feeling tension in your relationship with your partner keep in mind that you might not benefit from trying to start with problem solving. When navigating disagreements with your partner try to empathize with their perspective and show understanding for what they might be going through. Even if you disagree with them at the moment there is likely a piece of their perspective that you can understand. Sometimes it can benefit couples to start with making sure both partners feel understood before attempting to find a compromise that meets both partners' needs. 

2. Engaging in defensive behaviors

If a couple has fallen into a theme of negativity often one or both partners will begin to engage in defensive behaviors. Our brains like patterns and once it has decided that the common pattern in a given scenario is negativity or criticism you will begin to see a shift in the way the partner is responding. The partner engaging in the behaviors will likely be anticipating that the other partner holds a negative view of them at that moment or that their behaviors will be criticized. 

A small change that can help starts with the partner(s) engaging in defensive behaviors to accept responsibility for at least a small part of the situation. Often the partner does not need to accept full responsibility for the situation but by just acknowledging the part they agree with and expressing understanding of their partner's experience they can begin to bring the interaction towards agreement. 

3. You’re not talking about what is really bothering you

Some people become concerned because they are not arguing with their partner anymore but they’re still not happy together. These couples often feel that the conflict is the issue and that if the conflict ends then the relationship tension will go away with it. The problem is that these couples often find themselves sweeping their feelings under the rug. Partners in these relationships have sometimes come to believe that their emotions don’t matter or that talking about how they feel isn’t worth it anymore because it turns into a conflict. In return these couples will just stop talking about what is going on. That is when resentment builds among the partners. With resentment comes a difficulty with intimacy and a lack of emotional safety with each other. The internal battle remains even when the external battle has subdued leaving partners feeling distant and lonely. 

When navigating silence among partners it is important to find ways to begin communicating again. Partners who have stopped talking about issues together do not need to start with the difficult topics. These partners may benefit from building their friendship with each other. Talk about things you enjoy and build your bank of positivity. Once you have built the emotional connection with each other, start to talk about the topics that are difficult for you. 

Talk about these topics without the intent to solve the issue right them. Ask open ended questions with curiosity and the intent to understand each other's perspectives. Try to express empathy and understanding of your partner's perspective. Once you both feel that you are understood begin to explore what each partner needs in these situations and what steps each partner can take towards improving the specific situation. 

4.You’re not acting as a team

When partners fall into the habit of looking out for themselves as individuals without consideration of the impact on their partners they begin to lose the sense of togetherness. When you are in a long term partnership you are directly impacting your partner and with your actions and should consider how they are impacted by the choices you make. When a partner holds a positive belief about themselves they should try to see this trait in the other person as well. This works the same for a negative trait, if somebody sees this trait in their partner they should try to see it in themselves and explore why this is something they are focused on. 

We often see difficulty when partners stop thinking about their partner. 

When one or both partners feel they are not considered in the outcome of situations it can be important for both people to express their perspective in a safe and supportive way. Working together to find a solution that both people can feel comfortable with. This does not always mean that both people are giving equally and should not be used as a way to control of limit a partners behavior. When working as a team the happiness of one partner should bring happiness to the other. We want to see our partners succeed and obtain their goals just as much as our own.