Managing Your Childs Challenging Behaviors
Today there is so much competition among parents to have it all figured out. Parents push themselves to do it all while often their wants and needs get put on hold. With this much pressure placed on parents it can add extra shame or embarrassment when your child engages in challenging behavior at home or in public. The attempts to present the perfect image are shattered and parents are faced with the reality of children being full humans. Children won’t always be in a good mood or want to engage with life the same way as their parents. This often creates tension among families as they explore what works for them. Here are a few tips for responding in tough moments:
Remember that your child is a full human but so are you.
You may both be responding from an emotional place and while that's okay it can create more difficulty for you both. Parents often have a hard time accepting that they have a range of emotions and attempt to hide these from their kids. Here’s a secret, they know and honestly they would benefit from you being honest about it and openly teaching them how to work through those emotions in a healthy way. After all, how can we expect them to express a tough emotion properly if we don’t teach them and we learn best from observation.
Encourage their effort not the outcome
As a parent you love to see your child accomplish their goals or acquire a new skill but remember the important thing is that they are trying! Encourage them to keep going and praise their effort towards the activity. Children place value in what they believe their parents value. This means if you’re only encouraging them when they do well or have accomplished something then they will think that is the only time they are doing a good job. If you encourage the effort towards the activity or skill they will place value in the effort rather than what they will value their effort and build their opportunities for confidence. In reality, some things are really hard to accomplish and valuing the effort provides more opportunities for that rewarding feeling.
Respond to the child but not the undesired behavior
When your child is engaging in challenging behavior it is important to remember that acknowledging that behavior will unintentionally reinforce the behavior.
For example, if your child typically steals crayons from their siblings then you have two paths. You can be proactive in your attempts to reward the behaviors that you like to see and provide them with the attention that they are looking for. Sometimes that will not prevent the undesired behavior. In those cases, talk to the child about their options for receiving attention in that moment and prompt them to engage in something else then praise that new behavior. Teach them what you want to see and don’t hold it against them for not doing that first.
Always try to give more attention to them before undesired behaviors begin and you just might see a decrease in those behaviors.
Punishment doesn’t teach them anything, teach them how to do what you’re expecting
When your child is doing something you don’t like and they are punished for it sure they might know not to do that specific thing anymore but did you teach them what you are wanting from them? Spend the time to explain to your kids why they should or should not do something. They are going to be adults someday and knowing why something is right or wrong might help them make future choices when you’re not around while also helping them to do the right thing in that moment.
Remember, they are trying to gain their independence and you can work against this or work with it
Hint, working with it is much easier for everyone involved. So what does that look like?
Children are preparing to be adults. This means they are seeking more independence all the time and it’s your job to teach them how to handle this responsibility. Offer options for your children. For example, when you know a specific situation is difficult, offer multiple ways for them to complete that task. “Do you want to wash your hands in the bathroom or the kitchen?”. As your children get older, focus on opportunities for them to show you that they are mature enough to handle the responsibility, they will often live up to what you expect of them.
Ask them what they want
Not everything is that in depth. Sometimes, all you need to do is pause the moment and ask your kid why they are upset and what they need to help them calm down or what they are trying to communicate they need. If you can, give that to them or at least something close to it. Teach them ways to communicate these wants and needs in the future and show them that they can get it if asked in the right ways.
