Gentle Parenting is not Permissive Parenting
The new hot word for parents is gentle parenting and there are a lot of people spreading these ideals without giving the entire picture. Gentle parenting is not permissive parenting, the child should not be leading the boundaries and rules within your home. Gentle parenting is authoritative parenting- nurturing, responsive, and supportive with firm boundaries. Never saying “no” is permissive parenting- nurturing and warm without boundaries.
When people talk about gentle parenting they often show the situations where the groundwork is already laid, the tough conversations have already been had, and there is a mutual respect between the children and the parents. Nobody shows you how to change your parenting style from permissive or authoritarian and the hard work that will come with this transition. Children are incredibly observant, watching our moves and gathering data about how to behave. When we have spent years teaching them how to behave switching the expectations will inevitably come with behavioral challenges and not being prepared to navigating the high stress moments will leave you frustrated and vulnerable to fall back into old patterns.
At Through the Woods Mental Health Services, we enjoy teaching parents how to hold boundaries and build the skills within the family to reach the place of parenting your children with mutual respect for each other. This often looks like setting the expectations and stating the appropriate consequences ahead of time, creating the consequence in the moment will often lead to disproportionate consequences and frustration on both sides. Communicate with your children regularly about the expectations for the day and the natural consequences if they are not followed.
There is often a need to remind parents that your child asking questions about the expectations, boundaries, and consequences is encouraged. You want them to understand your reasoning so they can make choices on their own next time without your guidance. Remember, it is your job to coach your children into adulthood not to control them. Curiosity will lead them to have a better understanding of how the world works and how their behaviors are impacting others.
Another reminder that often needs to be given is that allowing your children to complete tasks their own way and in their time is most often okay and encouraged. Again, removing urgency for things to be done our way allows our children to find their own way of completing chores or meeting expectations and by removing the pressure we are allowing natural consequences to reinforce their choices.
Raising children requires that parents look at the motivators of their behaviors and challenge themself to dig deep to allow their children to figure a lot of things out on their own. Attending therapy for support as you navigate these challenges can be beneficial for the whole family!
